This is going to be a lazy post, again. By “lazy”, I mean “no translation”. These days I find it more and more painful to translate what I have just written into the other language – I hate repeating myself.
I believe I get to be a bit lazy today, because I finished sending all the Issue 9 files to the printer this afternoon. Not only that, I worked until 9:30 PM, then wrote an article after returning home (for the website I have been freelancing for more than a year now). I worked till late, because I was so happy to be done with the magazine work, that I wanted to work on something else for a change.
Looking back, the last time I had some room to breath was last June, while I was wandering around Portland. July was dedicated to making Issue 8, August and September to organizational change and moving our shop, October to settle in, hiring, then to our retreat, and finally, the last 3 weeks to Issue 9. This time, I mean to breath deeply and slowly. I am determined to take things easy at least until the end of the year. I mean it.
Because, I want to let my current situation sink in. I want to cherish it and appreciate it. I am truly happy, and feel centered. I am being exactly where I want to be.
Yes, there are bad days, and many things do not go as planned. The boxes I ordered almost a year ago has not arrived yet, and I feel resentful. I feel super stressed before deadlines. But these are minor things that do not shape my life, nor affect the way I feel about myself.
Although, it took me by surprise when Elizabeth emailed me, out of the blue, congratulating me for what I have done in the last couple of years. For two people living in almost the opposite side of the globe, she and I have spent a good amount of time together in Italy, then in Providence when she let me stay at her place for more than a week (I am still very very grateful!). Because back then, I was burned out from my corporate job, and was at one of the low points of my life, my memory is all blurred. She reminded me that I said I wanted to make amirisu my full time job (I had seen there was a small possibility), and I wanted to move to Kyoto (it never occurred to me that I would actually do it). Both, check. I wanted to launch an art retreat in Japan. Check. I’ve met a wonderful guy. Check. The other thing I remember telling her is that I wanted to keep a big dog, like she does, unchecked yet. But, still.
My life had never been easy, all along. I had always been sick, for one thing, and I was never happy in the corporate environment. So, happiness scares me. I admit it.
I was so scared that, when I had what seemed like a small health problem (which turned out to be nothing at all), on the next day, I got on a bullet train to see my doctor in Tokyo. I thought for a moment, “here it comes – yes, I knew things have been too good to be true.”
Elizabeth’s email made me realize that I am not fully allowing myself to be happy. Somewhere in my mind, I still feel that I don’t deserve it, and am probably looking for reason not to be happy. But, yes, I’ve taken great amount of risks, and have been working hard to get here. I deserve to enjoy it.
But it takes time, and I need the time. So, going back to my first point – I will be lazy and take it easy for a while. I hope you are either where you want to be, or on your way to get there. Allow yourself to be happy.